I never really know whether I look forward to or slightly dread “Transparent Tuesday’s”. No, no, it’s not you…it’s me. It is so against the grain to be “so completely open and transparent” about your real life. I mean, let’s face it. We spend most of our lives putting on the “masks” that everything is good, that all is well, that we have it “all together”, when in reality we “All fall short of God’s glorious standards”, right?
So what is it about being transparent with each other that makes us step back and close our arms? I am fighting hard against myself here and know that in order to live a life of “Authentic Faith” and to build a ministry centered around Authentic Faith then we all need to shed the layers that we hid behind and just “Get Real” with each other. So, here goes for this week.
For the whole last week I thought I was pregnant. Yep, I said the “P” word. I was a week late, and I am like clock work ladies, you could set your clocks by my schedule, so I knew something was up. I had cramps, wasn’t feeling “right”, and was extremely moody. I even felt a tad nauseus a couple of days…so, my initial reaction was “Oh My Gosh!” I am 37 years old, my kids are 14 and 12, and my husband and I are SO not ready to go back and “start all over again”. I wanted to cry. I tried to rationalize it. I tried talking (ok, maybe a little louder than talking) to God about it, and I prayed about it. My husband thought I was “trying to kill him” with the stress of the whole week (ha…not really, but talk about a SURPRISE!), and the whole thing just came out from left field. Or did it?
I mean, if I was pregnant it would clearly be God’s will for my life, and how cool is that to be obedient and blessed with a beautiful baby sent straight from heaven. So all week I have been “thinking” about this non-stop… You know, you try to do other things and go about your day, but in the back of your mind it is the ONLY thing I thought about. After the first couple of days of shock I started to settle into the idea of possibly being pregnant and started talking about the fact that if I was that I would like a girl. Not because of any other reason other than we already have two boys and it would be a nice change to mix things up a bit. My husband even started to get used to the idea as well. Which is so strange…neither of us are very patient and the thought of a baby in the house is absolutely frightening, but believe it or not it was growing on us. It was almost like God was preparing us to see if we would be obedient to His will for our lives.
After about a week of waiting and watching I finally gave in and took a home pregnancy test. Man, those things have changed a lot since my kids were born in 1994 and 1996. This thing was completely digital…cool! (I know, I am so easily amused) While I waited the three minutes for the results I sat in the bathroom, with the door closed, my mind completely open to whatever God was preparing for our family, I opened up God’s Word and let His words resonate in my heart and soul. I wear a ring on my thumb that says “Fear Not” and I just kept thinking to myself…I have nothing to fear, whatever the results God will be with me.
When my three minutes were finally over I looked at the stick and saw that it said “No” and believe it or not, my heart sunk. What?!?!? I should be happy! I should be relieved. I should be thankful. And I am, but I would have also been happy, relieved, and thankful if it said Yes. How strange is that? Something I never in a million years thought I would ever want again was presented to me for a week and for a week I actually entertained the idea. I am thankful in so many ways, but whatever the stick had said I would have still praised Him for the answer. You see, sometimes God brings us through things to see if we will still praise Him through it.