Transparent Tuesday – Not Again…

Transparent Tuesday
Not Again…

You know what is funny, in a strange way, is that I had not intended to do a Transparent Tuesday post today. I just didn’t feel led to, didn’t know what I would talk about, and really and truthfully wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep putting myself out there like that again.

It is a very strange thing to be so open, so real, so vulnerable, but when God calls you to it He will bring you through it…right?

As I sit here and try to put my emotions, my raw feelings into words I am tongue tied and filled with anxiousness. (Philippians 4:6 – Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.) I know that I shouldn’t be, but I am and truth be told I am hanging out in this emotion for a bit.

Here’s a brief rundown on what happened in the past…
my oldest son, Nick, was 11 years old and never had a single health issue other than the typical childhood colds, etc. On the morning of August 17, 2005 at 6am he woke up having focal seizures (I didn’t even know what that was or that he was having them at the time) that turned into full blown grand mal seizures. He was airlifted to our local children’s hospital and spent the next 51 days in the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit). It was touch and go there for awhile and for all medical reasoning he shouldn’t even have made it. BUT, we know that he did and why he did because we serve a GREAT BIG and MIGHTY GOD!

Over the last couple of years our family has had to adjust to life with his diabetes (it was a result of the pancreatitis that sent him to the hospital in the first place) and we have adopted a new normal. Things have been tricky at times and we have rolled with a lot of the punches. Getting hit in the stomach during a baseball game, getting used to checking his blood sugars at school, puberty (that one is never fun with or without diabetes), and everyday life. We know that God has a plan for this and have seen the fruits of this series of trials.

Here’s what happened today…what I was not prepared for was getting a call from the Middle School Principal today. I should have known that something was wrong, but I was clearly not thinking straight because I proceeded to start some small talk. She went on to say that my son Nick was in an accident this morning at school…GASP!!! Shock!!! Horror!!! Stopped Breathing Here!!! She said that he was in a head on collision with another student playing Soccer in PE class and that they had the paramedics (Did she just say PARAMEDICS?) there checking out another child and they wanted to check Nick too because he has blurred vision, headaches, and dizziness.

Still NOT breathing at this point, I ran outside to see my husband finish the last few blocks on his hour long run and started waving my hands up and down frantically. I told him what happened and we rushed over to the school to see him. The paramedics wanted to take him to the hospital (still not breathing here), but we assessed the situation with them over the phone and told them we were on our way.

You see, this is all pretty harmless, but after all we had been through with him we were more than worried. It all came back to me, the shock, the fear, the anxiety, all of it, and when we pulled up we saw the SAME fire truck that came to our house 2 ½ years ago.

I practically jumped out of the truck while my husband was parking the truck. By this point my hands are shaking and fear has my heart gripped so tight I can barely breathe. I walked in and saw him sitting there (thank God no blood) with his nose swollen and clammy. I signed the medical release forms and thanked all the paramedics and office staff for taking such great care of him, but here it is 5 hours later and I still feel sick.

WHY??? I know I know, our everyday lives are called to be a witness for Him, but sometimes you just want to throw your hands up and say, “NOT AGAIN Lord, come on, haven’t we had enough?”.

I really really really want to make something clear here…I LOVE the Lord God more than my life itself and I consider it a High Calling to be called the Daughter of the King. I am beyond blessed in so many ways, so please don’t think I am complaining…my goal in this is to share that it is ok to be frustrated.

So, let’s shed off the “good Christian woman speak” for a minute and let this sink in. Do you ever sit and wonder, “why me, why now, why more???”

Come on, be honest! I am not saying wallowing around in it, but when it happens don’t you sit there and ask the question?

Today was a wonderful lesson for me. You see, I know God uses these trials, tribulations, and tragedies for His glory, I have seen it, lived it, and experienced it first hand and continue to see it each and every day. The Audrey Caroline blog is another great example of tragedy turning into triumph for His Glory!

You want to know what else has helped to FREE me the second after I ask the “WHY?” question to God…it was actually in Beth Moore’s book, “Get out of that Pit”, where she said on page #47 ”Beloved, let this one sink in deeply: if God allowed you to be thrown into a pit, you weren’t picked on; you were picked out.” Isn’t that absolutely incredible?!?!?! Now I am not as easily swayed by the curveballs any more when I hold on to those words and let them sink deep down in my heart.

Friends, He never said it was going to be easy, and for certain I don’t have all the answers, but I know that if we can shed off the layers and be real, open, honest, and transparent with each other then we can all learn, grow, and strive to be the women that HE wants us to be…not perfect, but His.

PS – I am emotionally spent…I think it is time for a nap! *wink*

…as for Nick, we are “monitoring” him tonight (for fear of concussion), but for the last hour I have had just an incredible sense of peace, so I am pretty certain that all will be well. Thanks for allowing me to share with you (and for reading this super sized post).

Now I know WHY,


  1. Melissa – I really think I can say that I somewhat know what you’ve gone through. You may remember that my Heather is also diabetic. She was diagnosed at 19. When she was 20 she and I were shopping and she collapsed. She ended up going in an ambulance to the hospital. She was still unconscious when they took her and I remember driving there and calling Bob to get to the ER. They didn’t think it was a low blood sugar and were questioning a seizure. She went through lots of tests and none of them really came up with an answer. I was so anxious for such a long time – I was always watching her if I thought she was acting in the least bit unusual. I remember finally telling God that I had to give it to him, I couldn’t carry it anymore. She is doing fine, but I must admit that sometimes I pick it back up and am anxious and worry. I have also been known to question why God allows these things. I remember really being blessed by that section of the pit book for the same reason you were.
    I’ll be praying for Nick – and you too!

  2. Mari,

    You know EXACTLY what I am talking about then…thank you so much for your prayers, you have NO IDEA how much they mean to me.


  3. Praying for your dear son Nick, and for you. As a diabetic, I understand your fears. But, God is in total control.

  4. Hi Mel, I just read your post. We are praying for all of you and we pray that Nick will be OK. I posted something similar last week. We are not alone, He is always with us. XOXO Jules

  5. Kids can be SO scary, can’t they Jules??? I can’t wait to get together for lunch this week…we are WAY behind in our girl talk!!!

  6. Isn’t it amazing how the thought of your child being hurt/sick can bring out all those crazy emotions! I do believe God made us women that way, and yes we tend to get so upset and out of control when something is wrong with one of our kids. And after all that you went through it is a wonder you can hold it all together. BUT, God is so faithful to walk us through those times. And yes it is for His glory. Your post is a wonderful reminder of the Matt Redman song, Never Let Go.
    I will fear no evil for my God is with me….He truly never lets go of us.
    Thanks for sharing your heart!

  7. quick recovery for him…and you!

    just a thought…i need to add to beth’s quote (i lent the book to at friend and can’t wait to read it), “you weren’t picked on, you were picked out”. my hope is that i was picked out so He can pick me up!

  8. Sitting (sob) here (sob) bawling me eyes out (sob).
    That brought back so many memories for me too.

    Steph with seizures and Josh being diagnosed with diabetes. The ambulance, the hospital. (sob)
    Between this and the video I found this morning for my blog, it may be a weepy day!

    I’m so glad Nick is alright.

    Thanks for being real with us!
    Love you,

  9. Praying for the Mashburn bunch.

    Why me? Yesterday I read a chapter from Robin McGraw’s book “from my heart to yours”.

    She described the terrible accident that her sister had been through. They visited with Larry Kind, and He asked her the same question, Have you ever asked “Why Me”?

    To which she answered; “No, I never thought that, not once,” she said. … It would mean I thought it should have happened to someone else.”

    When I read that, I simply stayed still. I have always asked the Why Me questions, but I never felt what she described, it was a real eye opener for me.

    You are strong, you can make it!

    Much love.

  10. Ivy, that is very powerful, I think I remember reading that in her book, she is amazing, isn’t she? Miss you chica and hope you, Dani, and Osvaldo are doing well.


  11. Jennifer & Heather,

    Your prayers, hugs, and well wishes have already made an impact on our day today…thank you!

    He is doing better this morning, still has a headache, but we can deal with that.

    The blurry vision has finally stopped and so has the dizziness…thank God! 😉

  12. SOOO GLAD he is doing better! I know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when something happens to your child. You just want to take it away – take it for YOURSELF if you could.

    Sometimes it’s physical pain, sometimes emotional (what we’re dealing with right now). Either way, you want to protect them, keep them safe. But we have to give them up – to God.

    Prayers to you.

  13. Melissa,

    Hands down I have asked those questions before! Mostly due to situations with our son. when is the next shoe going to drop and why can’t this just go away! We know what we know what we know, but it’s part of our humaness to question! I’m so glad God is O.K. with that! He may say “it really doesn’t matter why, just trust me” , but he still loves me! He’s big enough! You can’t hide your true feelings from him anyway. I’m so glad your son is doing better! That would be terribly scary!

  14. Thanks Julie…I know that every single mom can relate to this…we do want to carry the burden for our babies (no matter how old they are).

    Kim…Yep, it is pretty amazing that God loves us the way he does, “warts and all”. It just goes to show that there is absolutely nothing we can do to “deserve” His love, it truly is a gift!

  15. My big why time was not related to the kids or any health issues. It occured when my hubby was fired without reason & was out of work for months. It was such a hard time but we learned so much. That is when I learned God is really taking care of us in a tangable way. Our only income was from unemployment & yet our bills were paid (although late) and we never went hungry. I had a lot of fights with God during that time & often felt like my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling, but He always came through & I know that He always will.
    Thanks for being so willing (although reluctantly) to share, you are a blessing to me!

  16. Hey Mel,
    I just stopped by to see what’s been happening in your neck if the woods and WOW ! I’m so glad you have put the second post up about being through the wait and see period and knowing that your precious boy is going to be fine !! I’m glad !

  17. So sorry to be late in the know…but I am so very thankful your boy is recovering. I appreciate so much your honesty here as well as your determination to trust the Lord your God, no matter what. He is indeed faithful!

  18. I understand about “Not again Lord…?!” We had 14mths of continual trials (Dec. ’04-Jan. ’06) not to mention the other things we went through for eight years before that. Talk about “Let me off this crazy ride!” One day I’ll have to write a series about our adventures since we’ve been married (hypothyroidism, depression, epilepsy, ITP, to name a few)!

    Keep hanging on to God’s words. They are life-giving & peace-giving at times like these!

  19. Oh, not breathing is right! I may have already told you this but my middle daughter has had some fainting spells, twice in one day while running (not a good sign) a couple of years back, and then recently while in the shower she fainting three times. I hear the commotion from the bathroom and my heart stopped. I begged her to open the door and when she finally did she collapsed in my arms! Oh man, heart failure for me. Fortunately, and praise God for this, it seems to have only been low iron and low blood pressure. But it sure scared the living daylights out of me!!!

    It is scary being alive, you never know what frightening moment might be around the corner! Praise God we have one who is watching over us. I don’t know how we would get through these scary episodes.

    Many prayers for you on this Mother’s Day weekend!


  20. Oh my gosh I am so glad he is ok!! Been there also. Love your heart Mel:) You are so real and thats what we are supposed to be . .true, honest and like Jesus! He has feelings too right? love Ya,

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