You know what is funny, in a strange way, is that I had not intended to do a Transparent Tuesday post today. I just didn’t feel led to, didn’t know what I would talk about, and really and truthfully wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep putting myself out there like that again.
It is a very strange thing to be so open, so real, so vulnerable, but when God calls you to it He will bring you through it…right?
As I sit here and try to put my emotions, my raw feelings into words I am tongue tied and filled with anxiousness. (Philippians 4:6 – Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.) I know that I shouldn’t be, but I am and truth be told I am hanging out in this emotion for a bit.
Here’s a brief rundown on what happened in the past…my oldest son, Nick, was 11 years old and never had a single health issue other than the typical childhood colds, etc. On the morning of August 17, 2005 at 6am he woke up having focal seizures (I didn’t even know what that was or that he was having them at the time) that turned into full blown grand mal seizures. He was airlifted to our local children’s hospital and spent the next 51 days in the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit). It was touch and go there for awhile and for all medical reasoning he shouldn’t even have made it. BUT, we know that he did and why he did because we serve a GREAT BIG and MIGHTY GOD!
Over the last couple of years our family has had to adjust to life with his diabetes (it was a result of the pancreatitis that sent him to the hospital in the first place) and we have adopted a new normal. Things have been tricky at times and we have rolled with a lot of the punches. Getting hit in the stomach during a baseball game, getting used to checking his blood sugars at school, puberty (that one is never fun with or without diabetes), and everyday life. We know that God has a plan for this and have seen the fruits of this series of trials.
Here’s what happened today…what I was not prepared for was getting a call from the Middle School Principal today. I should have known that something was wrong, but I was clearly not thinking straight because I proceeded to start some small talk. She went on to say that my son Nick was in an accident this morning at school…GASP!!! Shock!!! Horror!!! Stopped Breathing Here!!! She said that he was in a head on collision with another student playing Soccer in PE class and that they had the paramedics (Did she just say PARAMEDICS?) there checking out another child and they wanted to check Nick too because he has blurred vision, headaches, and dizziness.
Still NOT breathing at this point, I ran outside to see my husband finish the last few blocks on his hour long run and started waving my hands up and down frantically. I told him what happened and we rushed over to the school to see him. The paramedics wanted to take him to the hospital (still not breathing here), but we assessed the situation with them over the phone and told them we were on our way.
You see, this is all pretty harmless, but after all we had been through with him we were more than worried. It all came back to me, the shock, the fear, the anxiety, all of it, and when we pulled up we saw the SAME fire truck that came to our house 2 ½ years ago.
WHY??? I know I know, our everyday lives are called to be a witness for Him, but sometimes you just want to throw your hands up and say, “NOT AGAIN Lord, come on, haven’t we had enough?”.
I really really really want to make something clear here…I LOVE the Lord God more than my life itself and I consider it a High Calling to be called the Daughter of the King. I am beyond blessed in so many ways, so please don’t think I am complaining…my goal in this is to share that it is ok to be frustrated.
So, let’s shed off the “good Christian woman speak” for a minute and let this sink in. Do you ever sit and wonder, “why me, why now, why more???”
Come on, be honest! I am not saying wallowing around in it, but when it happens don’t you sit there and ask the question?
Today was a wonderful lesson for me. You see, I know God uses these trials, tribulations, and tragedies for His glory, I have seen it, lived it, and experienced it first hand and continue to see it each and every day. The Audrey Caroline blog is another great example of tragedy turning into triumph for His Glory!
You want to know what else has helped to FREE me the second after I ask the “WHY?” question to God…it was actually in Beth Moore’s book, “Get out of that Pit”, where she said on page #47 ”Beloved, let this one sink in deeply: if God allowed you to be thrown into a pit, you weren’t picked on; you were picked out.” Isn’t that absolutely incredible?!?!?! Now I am not as easily swayed by the curveballs any more when I hold on to those words and let them sink deep down in my heart.
Friends, He never said it was going to be easy, and for certain I don’t have all the answers, but I know that if we can shed off the layers and be real, open, honest, and transparent with each other then we can all learn, grow, and strive to be the women that HE wants us to be…not perfect, but His.
PS – I am emotionally spent…I think it is time for a nap! *wink*
…as for Nick, we are “monitoring” him tonight (for fear of concussion), but for the last hour I have had just an incredible sense of peace, so I am pretty certain that all will be well. Thanks for allowing me to share with you (and for reading this super sized post).
Now I know WHY,